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I am tired of bieng productive.

3 loads of laundry, 2 sinks full of dishes, 3 dog baths, sweeping and mopping. That is how Sarah spent her day off....I was hoping that it wouln't take me this long, but whatever. April is back on crazy hours, so she gets up at 1:30am, leaves the house by 3am, and is back home by about 3pm. She goes to bed around 4pm. My schedule-up around 430am, at work and home after 5 or sometimes after 6. So as you can see there is a slight scheduling problem there. I miss her. And other that Thursday, when I have dance, I am by myself every night. I think I am going to join a gym or something. That would be fun.
This weekend we bought a dryer. I am so friggin excited. It is bitching. It is beautiful. I have been hugging it all day. We have been using a clothes line or the laundromat for the last 2 years, trying to save energy and save money. But finally we both agreed that we do a lot of things to conserve energy, and it is so expensive to use the laundromat. And in the winter it is impossible to get clothes to dry in 20 degree weather. So, I'm sorry mother nature. I had to do it. But in return I promise to do good things.
This house has never had a dryer in it. It was built before 1900, and (duh) they didn't have dryers back then. So We had to run all of the electric and pull a 220V line from the laundry room to the box, and pin it all up under the house, then we had to hook up the outlet and make the hole in the wall (that part was fun) It ended up taking all day on Sunday, but we got it done all by ourselves. No electrician needed. But I had the papers for the house insurance ready in case we blew it up (lol). Everyone told us on Saturday that we wouldn't be able to do it without calling her brother or her dad, but we did. We ROCK!! But it did take the only day that we had together, and that sucks. I was hoping to take her out to dinner or something, but it didn't work out that way. 
Kray was in the bathtub today, and he was laying on his back in about 4 inches of water, wanting me to rub his belly, and the whole time his tail is wagging like crazy b/c he loves the bath and his is throwing water all over the bathroom. I wish I had it on video. I had to act mad, because I didn't want to clean up anymore water, but I was laughing the whole time I was fussing at him. He is so crazy. Puppies are life's natural anti-depressants. Who doesn't love a puppy.  

a cold and porcelain lonely

Yay! Christmas season! At dance last night we refreshed "bells on". My favorite dance EVER!! I love it. And I actually remembered most of it. I haven't done it in 4 years, but somehow it was still in there. Who knows. It reminds me of Warren , and that makes me a little sad. 
I talked to Phyllis for a long time last night about my brother. I miss him so much, expecially during the holidays. I am going to see him later this month. I hate going to see him. There are so many rules.  I can't hug him or touch him or anything like that. And when you are being walked into the visitation area you hear all of these doors and bars locking and shutting and it's loud and you are in this holding area, and they search you and you go through a metal detector...and it just sucks!! But he's worth it. I miss him today. 
Well, three day weekend!! woo hoo. Working for the government ROCKS!!

Finally picked up my guitar again!!

welcome to:
no amount of stoned makes you feel ok
welcome to:
the darkness into which prayin people pray

it's quiet here except for this song
now that everybody's gone
but hey
least you don't have to play along today

welcome to:
something like elation when you first open your eyes
just cuz it means
that you musta finally got to sleep last night
welcome to:
the precipice between groundlessness and flight

it's quiet here except for this song
now that everybody's gone
but hey
least you don't have to play along today

besides which
welcome to:
taking the good stuff down off of the shelf
and welcome to:
the art of conversation with yourself
welcome to:
humming an unbroken tune
all day long
yes it's quiet here
but hey
least you don't have to play along today

How can a woman have 5 children, and all of them are on meds for ADD or ADHD. I really don't think that that is possible. I think that maybe one or two. But all 5. It's crazy. I really worry for this generation because we don't know the long term effects of ritalin or concerta. We won't know until it's too late i'm afraid. We dispense so much ADD/ADHD meds everyday, it is so disconcerning. I know there are kids that need it, really medically NEED it, but it is being over prescribed. Kids are being given a schedule II narcotic, that sedates them and inhibits their creativity, and their sense of self. GRRRR.. I shouldn't get started on this right now.
April's mom will be coming home on Thursday, they thought it would be wednesday, but the insurance said one more day so....that's how it goes.
Since the time changed, it is dark when I get out of work now. I hate that. The parking lot always freaks me out a little bit. Work was ok yesterday, it is the beginnng of flu season, so we are really busy. But I would rather be busy. 
Gotta get ready for work.  
The competition went so well!! I did solo for the first time in the novice division and I got FIRST place!! I couldn't believe it when they called my number!! I had so much fun yesterday. I think we all had a great time. I am so happy to be back with R&C. I didn't know how much I missed it until I came back. It is a part of me.  I got a killer sunburn though. I put on sunblock in the morning, but forgot to bring it with me. dummy. 
I also talked to Rhonda and we are going to do a traditional duo, we are going to start on it now, and we hope to have it ready for the march competition. I am really excited about that. Duo's are so much fun!! 
I am so tired after yesterday, and the dogs woke me up at 7 this morning. I really want to go back to sleep, but I am awake now. I know that I will just lay there. So I went ahead and started coffee. 
April's Mom should be coming home on Wednesday. The doctors are really happy with the progress that she has made. Her physical therapy will continue on an outpatient basis, but she will be able to sleep in her own bed. That is exciting. She starts radiation on Tuesday. She is really nervous about that, but she is also looking forward to putting all of this behind her. They extracted 75 percent of the tumor with surgery. They did a biopsy of the other 25 percent, and the results came back wierd. It is not benign, but it is not malignant. The onconlogist said that they are "atypical cells" and that is why he wants to start radiation so quickly. We had her birthday party on Friday up at Walton Rehab. It was a blast. 
I talked to mom yesterday. I am still really mad that she went to see Adam yesterday instead of coming to the competition. It would be different if this was the first time, but she did the same thing for Arts in the Heart, and the Oliver Hardy Festival, and the Pumpkin Festival. It is not that I am jealous, it is just that she doesn't seem to understand that life goes on. You have to pick up where you left off. She is stuck in such a deep depression, that I can't seem to get her out. Ever since he went to prison, she blames herself for what has happened. But even though as a mother, I will never understand how she feels, I have a responsiblity also to try to help her get through this, and she is making it really hard!! But when I talked to her yesterday she was really happy about my 1st place and said she knew that I was happier now that I was back clogging. 

Ok coffee is ready. Dogs are back asleep.


 Good Morning!! Today is the Augusta Competition. I am excited!! We are going to be GREAT! 

Yesterday was April's Mom's Birthday. We went up to Walton Rehab and had a little birthday party thing. It was so much fun. We brought cake and ice cream and everybody was is a really silly mood. She had a great time. The case worker told her last night that she will (hopefully) be able to come home on Wednesday of next week!! Yay!! So she is really excited. She starts Radiation next week too.

I am signed up to do a solo today. I am really really nervous. Never done it before. So, I am going to go practice. 

It is hard to practice at  6am. Maybe I will get more coffee first.
Rated PG-13 for adult language and adult content

Old entries: In no particular order *the names have been changed to protect the innocent* Most of this is from years ago, when I was so lost in a tornado of college, theatre, work, friends, eating disorders, love, and trying to find myself. I keep it around to remind me of how far i have come and how close each of us is to the edge. Now that I am here I look back and wonder who this person was, and what she really wanted.

collective unconscious. Our perpetual search for something that will be big enough to fill us has led us to a strange idolatry of at once consumption and starvation. We execute "complicated vacillations...between self-worship and self-degradation," the pendulum swinging back and forth, missing the point of balance every time...we turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how to not-need

the sun didn't fall from the sky, the stars did not blink out the earth was not plunged into darkness reality did not cease to be real any longer all in all, life did not turn away from me I turned away from it and my cries echoed only inside of my own head, the soap opera-drama in which I had cast myself in the leading role, how situationally ironic-- my own fate was building and all I could do was drown myself in an endless vat of self pity--oh my unreality was real and is real today-- yet the choice remains as mine:Exist or continue to turn away.

Somewhere in the back of my brain there exists this certainty: The body is no more than a costume, and can be changed at will. That the changing of bodies, like costumes, would make me into a different character, a character who might, finally, be all right.

People who've Been to Hell and Back develop a certain sort of self-righteousness. There is a tendency to say: I have an addictive personality, I am terribly sensitive, I'm touched with fire, I have Scars. There is a self-perpetuating belief that one simply cannot help it, and this is very dangerous. It becomes an identity in and of itself. It becomes its own religion, and you wait for salvation, and you wait, and wait, and wait, and do not save yourself. If you saved yourself and did not wait for salvation, you'd be self-sufficient.
There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect.
And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way...

I am silly. I am shy. I am outgoing. I am sweet. I am a Bitch. I am loud. I am quiet. I am a taker. I am a giver. I am a redhead (kinda). I am short. I am skinny. i am beautiful. I am musically inclined. I am silly. I love to smile. I am loved. I am funny. I am cold. I am fast. I am gaaay. I am smart. I am independant. I am dependant. I am silly.

I can run. I can sing. I can play the guitar. I can laugh. I can swing. i can swim. I can be funny. I can dance. I can drink. i can eat. I can drive. I can run. I can draw

I have a beautiful smile. I have long fingers. I have a family. I have a dog. I have a car. I have a house. I have dreams. I have goals. I have fears. I have demons. I have friends. I have beautiful friends. I have enemies.I have a life.

I love my friends. I love my life. I love my family. I love my dog. I love my work. I love the people i serve. I love my friends. I love my family. I love my smile. I love my attitude. I love my body. I love my laughter. I love my life. I love my friends.

I am lost!!

My original journal has been lost in LJ hell, granted I haven't even looked at it in 6 months, but oh well. Here I am now. I have emailed all of you who stalk me here to let you know about the update. Anyways, I have some of my old posts backed up to my hardrive, so I will post them here later, just so my journal does not look quite so empty and lonely. Competition tomorrow. Yay!